you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
