My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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