I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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