I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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