saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
