I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
