I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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