how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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