if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
