And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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