I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The feeling are messing with the penis
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
