I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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