Tell her she can't have a vagina
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
