Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
