spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Welp...herpes.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
