see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
