hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
