I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
