Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
