i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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