i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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