If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
