i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
