I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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