i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
