I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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