I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
