Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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