I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
