A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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