I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
