im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
