awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
