I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
