I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
