The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
