Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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