I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
