Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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