do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
