after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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