Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
