You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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