You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Randomize
