The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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