He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
