im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
