my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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