So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
