Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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